Every morning I wake up with a sense of dread, knowing all the things that are piling up, that I still haven’t done. I am riddled with worry, about every possible aspect of my life, and that includes our wedding ceremony, now barely two months away.
The deadline for the RSVPs is Monday, and about half the people have not yet replied. Some of whom are family members, whose presence would mean a great deal. I’m trying to keep records of who’s said they’d come along, but it’s not easy. Not everyone fills in an RSVP. Jonny says that if we haven’t heard from someone by the deadline, we can assume it’s a “no”. Some of the negative responses we have had so far have made me ridiculously sad. One or two people that I’m really close to, who have expressed their great regret, but they’ve already had a holiday booked for that weekend for some time. Apparently, early September is prime retired couple holiday season – when the kids are back at school, but the weather is still good. Kids being back at school, or starting a new school, is another reason stated for not coming. I really thought we’d picked an accessible date! The range of responses is interesting. Some are utterly thrilled to have been invited, so when they can’t come, they are genuinely disappointed. That’s quite touching. Some just tick the “no” box and post the card.
We know a lot of people! We’ve lived for nearly half a century, and a lot of the things we do involve crowds: theatre, performing, music, bell ringing. It has been very difficult to sift through and decide who we’d like to be there. We’ve invited about 50% more people than the capacity of the party venue, though it’s not a case of not being able to fit people in, but how the bar staff can cope with serving! So children, I expect, don’t count in that number. I have included them in my totals as halves. In my experience, one usually invites many more than one expects, so you get a decent gathering.
I suppose, come next week, I will have to begin chasing responses. Emailing people directly, checking they received the invitation, and asking what they plan to do. Some may be waiting to see how things are nearer the time. I see that Covid is rearing its ugly heads again, and that just adds to my worry list.
I never realised what having a wedding would entail. I always thought that it didn’t matter who was there, it was just about me and Jonny. It turns out that while that is true, this is an opportunity for families to meet. An opportunity to gather together our closest friends; our long-unseen relatives, an to celebrate with them before it’s too late. People won’t haul themselves half way across the world for a generic party, but a wedding… So I see only too plainly what a unique chance this is, and I want to make the absolute most of it. Is it really going to be the case that the only time we see each other now is at funerals? Since we compiled our original guest list back in August last year (and why, oh why, didn’t we send the invitations out THEN, before everyone started booking things???), three of those invited have sadly died. And that’s to date. There’s still time. Being ripely-aged for a bride and groom ourselves, we aren’t unaware that it might be an issue.
In terms of other practicalities, we know what we want to do. We know about the shape of the ceremony and party, and what we would like to happen. Due to an over-abundance of ideas and a lack of money, it's not so simple. I'm doing most of the co-ordinating and creating; Jonny is working his hardest to keep us both afloat. Teamwork, makes that dream work.
Rebooting Lizzie Rebooted?
I’ve decided to blog once more, as it’s been so helpful in the past. I have knots in my stomach, flashing lights before my eyes, and a constant pain in my chest. How can this be? It’s supposed to be a happy time! I certainly can’t wait to marry Jonathan, but I’m also looking forward to a big celebration, especially given the last few horrible years. But doing weddings and funerals, and delving into humanism makes me even more aware what a singular chance this is to come together and celebrate, and that thought is like a hand squeezing my body until my eyeballs pop. I’m blogging so my eyeballs stay whole.
Entries will be me whinging away about a range of things, from the serious to the stupid, that I have variable control over. Writing it down will make me see that worry continues to be a futile activity, wasteful of energy and brain space. As well as wedding stuff, and along with most people in the country, I’m struggling with money. So alongside planning comes trying to find and execute work, peppered with the voluntary bits that I do that give my life meaning. The whole thing is a casserole, that bubbles over regularly.
Something else troubling me is the Black Cloud of depression. Have you seen Stranger Things? That depiction of the “mind flayer” – a huge spider of darkness, towering over its victims – that’s how it feels. Anti-depressants are like Eleven, protecting me from that gloom. But they do it by numbing my senses, and that means everything. So I can’t feel the happy stuff as much as I would like to. I had wanted to wean myself off them for the ceremony itself, and surrounding days. Given the last couple of weeks, it’s crystal clear that I should do no such thing. In fact, I might even benefit from going up to the next dose. Even with all the lovely cards and gifts and sentiment flying around, I have moments where I feel as if I am being sucked under water, and need to go and hide in my bed, not sleeping, though I could do that forever. Grim, huh? It makes no sense to me.
Here are my blog goals then:
1) To help me reduce worry and calm the eff down!
2) To organise my thoughts and identify what I can and can't control.
3) To plan the ceremony, party, honeymoon and days around.
4) To reach out for practical and other assistance.
5) To inform readers, and to record what is going to be a unique experience.
…and not to offend or libel anyone in the process.
I feel sick.
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